Splintered Emotions

I got a splinter in my finger the other day and it hurt. I left it alone and didn’t try to remove it because I knew the additional pain that would ensue if I were to perturb it any more than it already was. At times over the next day or so it wasn’t a thought but then I’d bump it and the throbbing reminder of its presence was definitely noted. Such a tiny sliver caused so much disruption to my whole being when I agitated it. I finally decided that the only way to once and for all relieve this discomfort was to intentionally cause myself more pain whilst I had a go at it with needle and tweezers. I breathed through it, endured the intensity of the process, and when it was over felt a multilayered relief wash over me. Whew!

20141011_120639-1So in order to relieve my pain I had to cause myself more pain. Hmmmmmm. I couldn’t think it away or wish it away or distract it away because until it was removed it wasn’t going anywhere. This is true for emotional splinters as well. In order to relieve the pain and sadness that you wear on your heart and spirit you have to cause these splinters to intensify until they burn out of your energy field. The attachments (triggers, agitations) that you carry throughout your life were caused in the past but remain in your energy field as emotional splinters that control your overall being and when they get bumped by a wrong comment or break up or something else they continue to fester because you have not taken the time to get to the root of the pain/sadness because the only way to do that is by giving it your full attention by intentionally going towards it and nobody wants to do that. You don’t want to feel sadness or pain because you are so afraid that if you do it won’t ever go away and you will stay stuck with that feeling. Newsflash: You Are Stuck With That Feeling And It Controls Your Life. If this wasn’t true then you would not be reactive or fearful or worried about…..at all.

Yes, the reason that you repeat patterns, stay stuck and unhappy, keep searching for the right location, job, car, dress, physique…. is because they are all distractions that you manifest in order to avoid staying with your discomforts. You heal your pains only by feeling them fully until they no longer need to be felt and by noticing what the deeply ingrained roots are to these patterns and by breathing through the whole thing without running or distracting from it. All these triggers and attachments can be traced back to childhood and pre-childhood. I know this now because after Jillie left her body almost 3.5 years ago all my pains showed their full expression at once. Fear of abandonment, being alone, why didn’t I, I should have done something different, who’s going to love me, how do I know I’m good enough, safe, okay, how will I live without her, who am I without her, what am I missing…

I wasn’t the person I am now before Jillie left her body and before I began my process of healing. I was existing on the treadmill of life; fearful, worried, desperate for attention, needing to be loved even though I couldn’t actually feel. Minutes after I stopped them trying to resuscitate Jill I asked my friend Charlie his thoughts about suicide and told me two things: 1- that no feeling is good or bad or right or wrong and that if I find that there are patterns in my life that no longer serve me then maybe I will make a change, or not and 2- that Jill is now in a place of peace and love and joy so why don’t I try to meet here at that frequency while I still have a body. At that point I didn’t hear him but something in me did and I’m grateful, so listen up because I might be your Charlie talking to you right now.

I had spent 43 years in my own way and it didn’t serve my heart or spirit so I began the process of allowing my feelings their full expression without judging them or stopping them no matter how rough they got which included suicidal wailing at the kitchen counter with a butcher knife and laying prostrate on the kitchen floor with dried throbbing lungs from sobbing so much. I began to notice things the more I allowed these waves to have their way. I learned that no matter how much I tried to escape my sadness I could only elude it temporarily. I noticed that my emotions were like wind gusts or ocean waves crashing on the shore; no matter how much I tried to put up my defenses to stop them, they always found their way to me and tossed me about but the interesting part is that when they were done tossing me about I was okay. Bruised and exhausted but okay.

The process of healing emotions is a practice just like joining a gym, it takes commitment and practice. So in order to strengthen your heart/spirit you have to be willing to become completely vulnerable to all your feelings without judging them as good or bad or right or wrong. Vulnerability is not weakness but instead the foundation of a spiritual warrior’s strength because he or she who is willing to feel it all and be okay with it is the one who knows peace. As I allowed my life process to unfold kept reminding myself to stay and breathe, stay and breathe, sip some water, stay and breathe. This practice, along with writing about what I was learning was the key to feeling and healing my emotional splinters and finally allowing all parts of my being to be okay and peaceful.

Wishing you peace, love, friendship, and joy. Namaste :o)

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