Why should I go on? It’s a thought that has been echoing in my mind for over a week now. I’m not thinking about killing myself but I have been wondering, what’s the deal? Who says so? Jill would want you to be happy. Jill would want you to go on. Really?!

I know that Jill said that the human existence is the most difficult one to have versus other existences that our spirits have. I also know we only need the body to exist here and that she is okay. She also told me that she wasn’t sure if she is going to come back again. It’s a choice we make before becoming human again and again.

I know that when I realized it was March first six days ago I became pinned to the kitchen floor wailing sounds from my soul that left me hoarse and void of existing. It was another one of the million triggers to remind me that she left her body on April twenty third, two thousand and eleven and that it has been over ten months. Another reminder of images of our last days together, most images are horrific. Passover dinner on Monday and gone four days later on Good Friday. I still marvel that our last supper was a Seder. So again I ask, why? I know peace, love, friendship, and joy. I know how lucky I (we) are to know this with each other. I know that Jill will lead me to my next love. And? I know it was supposed to happen…. or it wouldn’t have. This I don’t like. I get annoyed that I can completely accept this knowingly as truth. Neil Diamond is singing ‘I’m Alive’ on the iPod random shuffle just now. Go figure.

So it took me six days of crying to get to this keyboard and I continue to remind myself of what I know with the belief that again I’ll know what it is to not feel sadness as the undercurrent of my circuitry. It’s not that I do not have genuine laughter and enjoyment of life and people but there is a good amount of going through the (e)motions of a day.

I know that we are nature and there is a universal (energy) consciousness of everything. I know that this energy has its rhythm and rhyme which I do not necessarily understand or like and I accept this rhythm and rhyme because I am part of this consciousness and trust that it knows what it is doing. I know that I am always being guided and should feel my way through most things from a centered place rather than thinking my way from a fearful place. Any decision made when fearful is never the right one. Any action taken from the heart, as long as it is the true choice, is always right. The more I stay in awareness the more I know from where I am operating at a given moment.

I know that I am done writing for now.

Okay, second attempt one night later. When thinking about what I wrote yesterday I thought that I might not even post it because it seemed woe is me. Which it is. But I was judging it as bad or not worth sharing. Now that I see this I am okay with leaving it as is. Because it is what it is, right? For awhile now this ‘is what it is’ theme is something that I remind my friends. The majority of these friends are women. This is because women are more willing to be vulnerable and talk about feelings. I’m not judging it.

We talk about seeing things for what they are. Seeing the truth of something or someone without judging it as good or bad. Just seeing it for what it is. By seeing things for what they are we can make better choices without guilt, obligation, or insecurity. This is because staying in the truth allows us to stay in our hearts because we feel it as centered and grounded in light. Our minds want to tell us anything but this because it operates from insecurity and fear and takes a dominant role in our being. But when we stay aware that this mind noise is trying to rule the moment, we can choose to see something or someone in the truth of it.

Another theme that we also talk about is trusting our heart’s instinct (intuition, gut sense) about someone or something. You know the feeling you get when you knew you were right but it’s always after the fact? By tuning in with awareness to the signals we get we can better navigate life and its surf. Basically it’s like smelling smoke in the wind ten miles away, knowing you smell it, and ignore it because your mind tells you it will change. But your heart was telling you differently all along. That’s because many of us are scared to trust ourselves because somewhere along the way we have lost our value, our power. I remind my friend(s) to own her power. It has nothing to do with taking your power back, it’s about owning what you already have and trusting that it will guide you. Try to recognize this and see if it stirs a shift in your being. It’s scary to do and takes time to sharpen this tool but will likely show positive flow even if it is not how we imagine it to be. Usually the thing that scares us the most is the thing we most need to do.

Well it’s late and I’ve run out of thoughts for now. Glad I rambled on as this needed to come out. Remember to breathe, trust universal flow, and only ask for peace, love, friendship, and joy. Namaste

 

Our last dinner together on Monday night