My mother in law told me that while visiting her ex-husband Tommy in a nursing home on Monday (he has some dementia and is not normally a talker). He said that Jill called him a week prior to leaving her body and bade goodbye to him because she did not think that her body would sustain the fight. It made me cry for awhile knowing that she knew this, did not tell me, and that when she was dying in my arms at home that Thursday afternoon she knew it. I was surprised but not shocked by this new revelation. Her body fought as much as it could and she was right. I had a strong intuition that she knew because she knew herself completely, in all dimensions, and too many things were in energetic order when she left. She is a true spiritual warrior. I plan to read her last journal to see if I can get more confirmation. I used to read them all the time but had been so caught up in hunter-gatherer mode protecting and providing for her that I stopped reading for a few months.

Surfed some rough life waves recently. It began last night when I decided to change my ringtone on my cell. The one I chose because Jillie liked it. After Jill’s ‘exit stage left’ the ringtone makes me jumpy when it sounds because it was this that I heard to wake me from a ragged exhaustion induced one hour sleep to notify me to return to critical care because she was crashing. I had been considering changing it for a few weeks now and it felt right, finally, thankfully. The inner change it/don’t change it struggle was a good one. It got to the point where I decided that I am tired of jumping for something that no longer is. Let alone jumping for anything at all. The new tone is called Eastern Sky. A combination of flute and sitar and strings in a cool breezy sort of way.

Today was great surf as well. I enjoyed waiting tables at the restaurant overlooking a marina and met some very interesting and heart centered people. It seems that connection with almost anyone is possible if the right energy exists or manifests from my own energy’s coaxing. If it happens it happens. I also know that laughter and humility is the universal spiritual lubricant. After work I drove past the rolling waves of the Long Island Sound as the iridescent orangey lemon sunset painted the evening sky. Stopping to take in this sky reminded me how amazing life is and it is a wonderful existence to be honored and respected. Not just my existence but that of love, compassion, and presence. Then I changed my cell’s wallpaper from a photo of Jill and me at our last supper (literally on Passover at a friend’s home five days before she left her body which was the day before Easter). The new photo is the sunset. I am okay with it all, “good” and “bad.”

I try to not get caught by memories anymore. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about things but it is with a different energy. I prefer to recall the good feeling of a memory without wanting to have it again. Pining for what was and will never be again disengages me from experiencing the good feeling from that experience while still experiencing it presently. And it’s like wanting the wind to blow exactly the same way as it just did. Whew. Another thing is that sorrow can become self indulgent when one misses how it makes her/him feel rather than celebrating the joy, peace, and freedom for the one who left a body behind. Yay for them, doing their thing and don’t need a body to do it. And yay for me for I am feeling powerful, calm, and pleased. Namaste