You create your own suffering AND you can learn to recognize what and why you do so and shift it. Here is some of what you do. You stay in a situation or “relationship” that not only doesn’t serve your heart and spirit but also diminishes your peace, sense of security, and physical health. You try to make something okay that won’t be no matter what you say, try, or do and even more importantly is you forsake your inner child’s safety to make someone else temporarily okay at best. You all have a loving, sensitive little boy or girl inside of you who only wants to be nurtured and to feel safe yet you have been taught to put yourself last. You fearsake ourselves for the sake of others. I did all of this for more than four decades and finally learned why and stopped doing so.

The truth is that we create our own suffering because we all have deeply ingrained patterns (emotional scars or grooves in our spiritual bodies and psyches known in Sanskrit as samsaras) that were embedded in us as children by our parents who were doing the best they could with their unresolved samsaras. Our patterns are all very similar; wanting to be loved for who we are, fear of abandonment, fear of loss and dying, fear of not being good enough and rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of being sad, fear of being afraid, fear of not having direction, fear of not being successful, fear of slowing down (because if we do then we have to spend time with ourselves and feel our feelings)…. All these patterns are created because our minds want us to operate from fear and keep us in drama whereas our hearts want us to live with love and be guided with trust and peace. You see basically you are operating as physical adults with emotional reactivity of wounded children. You know the stove is hot yet continue to touch it.

I have been helping some friends lately through some very difficult and painful circumstances and transitions regarding their “relationships.” I use quotation marks because the word is of no substance if it is rooted in fear motivated reactivity and patterns. The painful circumstances of today are manifestations of patterns that repeatedly come up in an attempt by your higher selves (heart guidance) to recognize that you are touching the hot stove over and over again and to understand the roots of this addicted, self destructive behavior. An example of this is the way that you will do and say anything you can to make your “partner” feel safe or loved or not pissed off with you. You cannot make someone else healthy or happy. It is not your job. The only responsibility you have is to heal your own wounds and by doing so open to a lighter, more aware (enlightened) perspective of life, us, and others.

Seeing situations, ourselves and others for how and who they are instead of how we think it/they/we should be is a step in freeing from suffering. When you expect someone/something to be a certain way and it doesn’t turn out so then you are disappointed thus creating your own sadness. When you believe that you can control the outcome of something and it doesn’t turn out the way you have been trying to make it happen then you are disillusioned thus creating regret. When you don’t trust that life has a rhythm and flow to it and instead try to make sure it fits neatly into a box then you are unhappy and thus looking for another way to fix your problems. I have learned that my mind had been controlling my existence through fear based manipulation even though my heart had always longed for peace and love and safety. I have learned that my heart’s guidance is always best for me no matter what my mind is telling me. A good example of how you know this to be true is when you meet someone and immediately your gut intuition (heart instinct) tells you run the other way but you don’t because your mind is saying give him or her a chance, it’ll work out, I need the money…. and afterwards you are looking back and saying “see, I knew I was right!” This is heart vs. mind. Heart keeps you on path through trusted guidance and mind keeps you off track through fearful manipulation.

Life process is fluid and whenever you try to control, convince yourself, or make it so then you are trying to force a change in a river current. A first step in learning to let go and trust life process is recognizing (without judgment and with self compassion (don’t beat yourself up)) that you do or say or stay in things because you are afraid of change and/or don’t honor the value in yourself. Again, don’t beat yourself up, you have learned to be who you are from the time you were born and just acknowledging that there are patterns that don’t serve you is a courageous act of love and acceptance of yourself. With this new awareness you can begin to see your patterns in action and again not judge yourself for doing it again.

A second step in this healing is remembering to breathe. Slow inhale, pause, slow exhale (three times) is usually sufficient to get you out of your head and into your heart. Try it right now……………………………… …………………………… …………………………… Do you notice how your energy shifts down into your torso and towards your legs and feet? This is the grounding energy of breath. It helps to restore a balance to your energy field and spirit (if only temporarily) and allows for space to choose another way of being in lieu of your pattern. Another step is to begin to feel where these patterns come from. What does the pattern remind you of? For example, in an unhealthy “relationship” you feel that you want to leave for you know it is better for you but you don’t budge; perhaps the root is because someone you love died when you were younger and the fear of abandonment and failure has carried over into all your “relationships”, or your parents fought all the time and stuck it out so that’s what you’re supposed to do, or mom always tried to make everyone happy in the house even though she wasn’t…… get my drift? The triggers, fears, and blames you have now were created in your past and still hold sway over your present circumstances.

I was listening to the song Hold On today as I drove home from the market. Click on the link to hear the song when you’ve finished reading. Hold on doesn’t mean you should stay in or do something that isn’t good for you because in time it will get better because it never does until you begin healing yourself and not deceiving yourself into believing you can fix it or them. Hold on means to trust in life (god, spirit, love, universe) that

everything will work out as it should for your best interest even if you don’t understand it or like it all the time. The tighter you grip on with fear the more the fear restricts your life but the more you let go with a loving heart and conscious breath the easier and more peaceful your life becomes. If you are tired of feeling the way you do and would like to shift your being then start where you are. Wishing you peace, love, friendship, and joy. namaste