It’s been another interesting year. I fell in love again and it was wonderful. What wasn’t so wonderful was living together. To clarify, we like all the same things, live a very similar life, have the same values, and made passionate love. So why didn’t we stay together. I’ve always known that just because people love each other doesn’t mean they can live together or be in a conscious relationship which is one that does not live today with yesterday’s mind. That’s why we fall in love so we can learn how to love without attachment or fear or blame. Falling in love is spirit’s way of giving us the opportunity to put down our baggage.

I saw a quote while in Whole Foods that read “Let go or be dragged.” To me it is about being present and not in the past or future. I only have right now and choose to flow with life’s river in lieu of clinging to the side for fear of where it might lead. It’s not about giving up sadness, or defeating pain, or fixing patterns engrained since birth, but rather allowing these feelings to see what is so scary about them and to let go of that which does not serve me anymore. Connecting to the genuine feelings without the mind noise that dictates our lives and releasing the trigger associated with it which is usually shame, guilt, and lack of self worth. “Guilt is a disease of the soul. It breeds fear in dreams and stops the heart from living all that it was meant to love.” (JEV)

What I have learned is that once I shine the light on the roots of my pain I can begin the process of healing them and putting them down. From these healed roots spring forth spirit’s flowers of unimaginable beauty and peace because there is no attachment to the outcome of anything, no more clinging to the edge. That doesn’t mean that I don’t hope for things but rather that I appreciate the guidance I get from love (god, spirit, nature) all the time that keeps me in my heart and not in my mind. See when I hope it is for peace, love, friendship, and joy however it manifests, or doesn’t. I pay attention to a gust of worry coming to my mind and then let it go on its way. Why base my present moment on a gust? Have you ever tried to capture the wind in your hands? Giving the foundation of my being over to gusts of nothing is like building a house on a foundation of sand. No matter how hard I try, I’ll just keep falling apart. This poem came to me one day while I was reflecting on love’s journey.

Bouts of Harmony

Under one roof but not together

The slightest of nothing ruffles the feathers

Emotional scars endured from the past dictate the day

And the bouts of harmony are farther and farther away.

Talking the language but unconsciously salting the wounds

Forbidding the sadness and locking joy in a room

Not willing to feel the one for fear of not coming back

Yet closing out the warmth of the other, not seeing the lack

Courage is honoring and speaking the truth of the heart.

Living with armor is not for the body

It is about feeling the heart and spirit’s sorrows,

Allowing the soul to be cloudy.

Dive into the sadness, the rage, and the fear

Allow them their due

Give them rise to your ear.

And once they have released their burdens

The cloudiness will clear;

Rousing courage with vulnerability

Compassion and trust

A journey worth the rest of a lifetime

Until the return to the dust

I had begun to shut down healthy parts of myself to try to make things better and prevent the baggage car from leaving the station. Turning off my heart flow was a great disservice to my spirit and heart as well as to hers. Again, I was trying to make the woman I love feel better, trying to help heal old wounds that were not of my doing. This was the pattern I was in for thirteen years in my previous wonderful love that I am glad I am finally able to witness clearly and notice my desire to make things better so everything would be okay. Got it! Our compatibility was hindered by our unresolved baggage. I am so thankful for every moment of love I shared with her, another guided gift to me. The more I trust my heart and disregard the wind gusts that come through my mind the more I will flow with life rather than just existing in a body. I know that I am going to share in more great love in a healthy, conscious relationship as this wonderful existence in my body continues. “It is not what I have become, it is how I became.” (JEV) Namaste

The lotus flower is a symbol of purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration and rebirth. In Buddhism every person has the potential to become perfect and enlightened, and it’s just a matter of time until each human reaches the light. Buddhists believe that it’s necessary to be reborn thousands of times, polishing one’s being through many incarnations, until one reaches nirvana – the highest state of consciousness that humans can access.

The journey of the consciousness from spiritual ignorance to perfection happens through many rebirths and can be very painful and difficult, as the process of reincarnation involves the need to repair past mistakes at every new life and one faces the consequences of every action, thought and words. While humans are not conscious of their spiritual greatness, they believe that life is unfair and worthless, but as they evolve through many cycles of death and rebirth, all the darkness is slowly removed. I believe we surf life’s waves; fall down, get up.

The lotus flower also represents beauty and non-attachment because it is rooted in the mud yet floats on water without becoming dirty. For me the lotus flower represents impermanence and the reminder to see the beauty in being alive. It reminds me that beauty can still rise from turbidity. To always see the truth without judgment and continually check to see if I am coming from mind noise or heart center. I know that when we see things for what they are it is easy to make right choices because any other choice is in direct opposition to natural flow (our hearts, intuition, and spirit).

After posting my last writing I knew to get a lotus flower tattoo. It’s an homage to Jill for it is she who is the lotus that has opened my trust in flow and shared her depth of wisdom without ego or prejudice. I will always love Jill and I will also remember what I do have now, that I am always being guided, love and joy will be in my life again, and embrace everything with an open heart, trusting spirit, and relaxed mind. namaste

Why should I go on? It’s a thought that has been echoing in my mind for over a week now. I’m not thinking about killing myself but I have been wondering, what’s the deal? Who says so? Jill would want you to be happy. Jill would want you to go on. Really?!

I know that Jill said that the human existence is the most difficult one to have versus other existences that our spirits have. I also know we only need the body to exist here and that she is okay. She also told me that she wasn’t sure if she is going to come back again. It’s a choice we make before becoming human again and again.

I know that when I realized it was March first six days ago I became pinned to the kitchen floor wailing sounds from my soul that left me hoarse and void of existing. It was another one of the million triggers to remind me that she left her body on April twenty third, two thousand and eleven and that it has been over ten months. Another reminder of images of our last days together, most images are horrific. Passover dinner on Monday and gone four days later on Good Friday. I still marvel that our last supper was a Seder. So again I ask, why? I know peace, love, friendship, and joy. I know how lucky I (we) are to know this with each other. I know that Jill will lead me to my next love. And? I know it was supposed to happen…. or it wouldn’t have. This I don’t like. I get annoyed that I can completely accept this knowingly as truth. Neil Diamond is singing ‘I’m Alive’ on the iPod random shuffle just now. Go figure.

So it took me six days of crying to get to this keyboard and I continue to remind myself of what I know with the belief that again I’ll know what it is to not feel sadness as the undercurrent of my circuitry. It’s not that I do not have genuine laughter and enjoyment of life and people but there is a good amount of going through the (e)motions of a day.

I know that we are nature and there is a universal (energy) consciousness of everything. I know that this energy has its rhythm and rhyme which I do not necessarily understand or like and I accept this rhythm and rhyme because I am part of this consciousness and trust that it knows what it is doing. I know that I am always being guided and should feel my way through most things from a centered place rather than thinking my way from a fearful place. Any decision made when fearful is never the right one. Any action taken from the heart, as long as it is the true choice, is always right. The more I stay in awareness the more I know from where I am operating at a given moment.

I know that I am done writing for now.

Okay, second attempt one night later. When thinking about what I wrote yesterday I thought that I might not even post it because it seemed woe is me. Which it is. But I was judging it as bad or not worth sharing. Now that I see this I am okay with leaving it as is. Because it is what it is, right? For awhile now this ‘is what it is’ theme is something that I remind my friends. The majority of these friends are women. This is because women are more willing to be vulnerable and talk about feelings. I’m not judging it.

We talk about seeing things for what they are. Seeing the truth of something or someone without judging it as good or bad. Just seeing it for what it is. By seeing things for what they are we can make better choices without guilt, obligation, or insecurity. This is because staying in the truth allows us to stay in our hearts because we feel it as centered and grounded in light. Our minds want to tell us anything but this because it operates from insecurity and fear and takes a dominant role in our being. But when we stay aware that this mind noise is trying to rule the moment, we can choose to see something or someone in the truth of it.

Another theme that we also talk about is trusting our heart’s instinct (intuition, gut sense) about someone or something. You know the feeling you get when you knew you were right but it’s always after the fact? By tuning in with awareness to the signals we get we can better navigate life and its surf. Basically it’s like smelling smoke in the wind ten miles away, knowing you smell it, and ignore it because your mind tells you it will change. But your heart was telling you differently all along. That’s because many of us are scared to trust ourselves because somewhere along the way we have lost our value, our power. I remind my friend(s) to own her power. It has nothing to do with taking your power back, it’s about owning what you already have and trusting that it will guide you. Try to recognize this and see if it stirs a shift in your being. It’s scary to do and takes time to sharpen this tool but will likely show positive flow even if it is not how we imagine it to be. Usually the thing that scares us the most is the thing we most need to do.

Well it’s late and I’ve run out of thoughts for now. Glad I rambled on as this needed to come out. Remember to breathe, trust universal flow, and only ask for peace, love, friendship, and joy. Namaste

Our last dinner together on Monday night

Although I may be able to elude my sadness, I cannot escape it. It permeates my DNA and lies in wait to spring upon me like the flu which is influenza which was originally termed to mean under the influence of evil or negative spirits. I know this is not negative influence upon me but it hurts so, so much sometimes that there is no escaping it. Sometimes it feels as if I want to remove my skin and shake it out like a kitchen rug so all the trapped particles can fly away in the breeze. It’s Friday January 27^th and I have

been wafting through this week. My thoughts are spongy and my conversations disingenuous. I’ve neither motivation nor drive and whatever I do is going through the (e)motions. Still make it to yoga 3x each week and still cook well for myself but it just doesn’t make it go away.

I’ve written before about testacular, a combination of test and spectacular, and the last 30 days have been a series of these. Christmas, New Years, Jill’s birthday on 01/15 and mine on 01/23 which is when this new round of fuck it set in. Spent Christmas and New Years in the mountains of North Carolina outside of Asheville at a wonderful place called Peaceful Quest Retreats. I befriended some amazing, wise, heartful people there. The owners, Millie and Bobbie, welcomed me to this special property with warmth and compassion which helped my spirit and me feel my way through the holidays. It was truly a wonderful experience that I was guided to in different ways and am thankful to have the awareness to notice these subtle nudges from spirit.

When I arrived home from PQR, that’s what they call the retreat, I brought the container of Jill (her ashes) home from my mom’s bookshelf where she had purveyed all she could. Walking into our home with her in hand I felt this wave of she’s gotta go this weekend. It felt like she no longer wanted to be contained and that I would need to release her. I know that it is only ash and bone and that her energy and spirit is okay but I also know that my spirit, for whatever reason, needed me to release her physicality. The question was how. I knew it would be in the Atlantic in Watch Hill, Rhode Island but I needed to figure out what to use to get her out into the water from shore since it was going to be 10+/- degrees and windy. First thought was biodegradable paper sandwich bags. Fill em up, fold, and that should be enough weight to get it out into the waves. Maybe add a rock in the bottom so it will sink faster. Then I remembered the conch shells we had collected throughout the years. Into one I put our wedding rings, some white sage, and her. Into all the other shells I put the rest of her. It worked out perfectly as I scoured the house for just one more shell into which I could put the remains of the remains. Found it. Done. This process took me 5 days to complete. It was heart wrenching and heart cleansing. It put me face down on the kitchen floor and sometimes had me laughing. I did not realize until that Wednesday that her birthday was the coming Sunday so it made perfect sense to do it then. She came in with a body and is going out in a shell into the Atlantic which is eternal and infinite. A perfect place to be. Truly uncontained. Immediate family went to Watch Hill, froze our asses off walking down to the beach and Of Course The Tide Was Going Out. We didn’t say much, I said a little, and all but two of us took turns tossing Jill into the ocean as far as we could throw her. I tossed some tulips into the tide and finished off the day by opening Bingo’s can of ashes into the winds (13.5 years old and was put down when Jill was in the hospital). It was a release and a relief. It felt freeing. When I returned home and entered there was a void. Not the same as before. A distinct energetic disconnect that still permeates the walls and my soul. I did a spring’ish cleaning and that’s that.

It’s interesting that I never know what will trigger an emotion and whenever something does show up I let it do its thing. I had thought that crying my way through some of the holidays and crying for Jill’s birthday stuff was the only triggers I would need to feel with for awhile. It was my 44^th birthday 5 days

ago and I woke up, got out of bed, pulled a comb across my head. Sorry, The Beatles popped in for a moment. As soon as I walked into the living room I lost it. I spent my entire birthday alone (by choice) sobbing and sad. Since then I have had this sadness that lies upon me like a fogbank between two looming mountains. I know that sadness is just as okay as not sadness and when it is done, it will be done. But it sucks! Thankful for yoga to fortify my body for the deep breathing required for crying and also for centering again once the crying has ceased. I am wrung out and so tired that my lower left eyelid has a slight tic to it. Not worried but would certainly appreciate some good sleep. I still have laughter and I know that the spiritual sun will shine again but for now I need to stay aware and in truth and not in fear. Jill and I had an agreement that the one in the least fear leads. It was a wonderful way to support each other through our own growth. Now that she is not here to lead or be led it is I who is taking the helm when I am in fear. It isn’t easy to do but I look at my fear or pain and where it’s coming from. With this I gain the time to remember that we are nature, all is as it should be even if I don’t understand, and to allow peace, love, friendship, and joy to be my lead in whatever way it manifests, or doesn’t. I’m glad I got to ramble on. I needed to get this out. Live truthfully, love with vulnerability, honor your body, and follow your heart, not your mind.

One final thought is a quote by Jeff Brown “Excessive analysis perpetuates emotional paralysis. The mind is just a tool, not a place to live. Surviving by our wits comes at a price. We can’t heal our hearts from up high. We have to surrender to the body temple. It knows the path to wholeness. I have the hardest time listening to it sometimes.”