It’s been another interesting year. I fell in love again and it was wonderful. What wasn’t so wonderful was living together. To clarify, we like all the same things, live a very similar life, have the same values, and made passionate love. So why didn’t we stay together. I’ve always known that just because people love each other doesn’t mean they can live together or be in a conscious relationship which is one that does not live today with yesterday’s mind. That’s why we fall in love so we can learn how to love without attachment or fear or blame. Falling in love is spirit’s way of giving us the opportunity to put down our baggage.
I saw a quote while in Whole Foods that read “Let go or be dragged.” To me it is about being present and not in the past or future. I only have right now and choose to flow with life’s river in lieu of clinging to the side for fear of where it might lead. It’s not about giving up sadness, or defeating pain, or fixing patterns engrained since birth, but rather allowing these feelings to see what is so scary about them and to let go of that which does not serve me anymore. Connecting to the genuine feelings without the mind noise that dictates our lives and releasing the trigger associated with it which is usually shame, guilt, and lack of self worth. “Guilt is a disease of the soul. It breeds fear in dreams and stops the heart from living all that it was meant to love.” (JEV)
What I have learned is that once I shine the light on the roots of my pain I can begin the process of healing them and putting them down. From these healed roots spring forth spirit’s flowers of unimaginable beauty and peace because there is no attachment to the outcome of anything, no more clinging to the edge. That doesn’t mean that I don’t hope for things but rather that I appreciate the guidance I get from love (god, spirit, nature) all the time that keeps me in my heart and not in my mind. See when I hope it is for peace, love, friendship, and joy however it manifests, or doesn’t. I pay attention to a gust of worry coming to my mind and then let it go on its way. Why base my present moment on a gust? Have you ever tried to capture the wind in your hands? Giving the foundation of my being over to gusts of nothing is like building a house on a foundation of sand. No matter how hard I try, I’ll just keep falling apart. This poem came to me one day while I was reflecting on love’s journey.
Bouts of Harmony
Under one roof but not together
The slightest of nothing ruffles the feathers
Emotional scars endured from the past dictate the day
And the bouts of harmony are farther and farther away.
Talking the language but unconsciously salting the wounds
Forbidding the sadness and locking joy in a room
Not willing to feel the one for fear of not coming back
Yet closing out the warmth of the other, not seeing the lack
Courage is honoring and speaking the truth of the heart.
Living with armor is not for the body
It is about feeling the heart and spirit’s sorrows,
Allowing the soul to be cloudy.
Dive into the sadness, the rage, and the fear
Allow them their due
Give them rise to your ear.
And once they have released their burdens
The cloudiness will clear;
Rousing courage with vulnerability
Compassion and trust
A journey worth the rest of a lifetime
Until the return to the dust
I had begun to shut down healthy parts of myself to try to make things better and prevent the baggage car from leaving the station. Turning off my heart flow was a great disservice to my spirit and heart as well as to hers. Again, I was trying to make the woman I love feel better, trying to help heal old wounds that were not of my doing. This was the pattern I was in for thirteen years in my previous wonderful love that I am glad I am finally able to witness clearly and notice my desire to make things better so everything would be okay. Got it! Our compatibility was hindered by our unresolved baggage. I am so thankful for every moment of love I shared with her, another guided gift to me. The more I trust my heart and disregard the wind gusts that come through my mind the more I will flow with life rather than just existing in a body. I know that I am going to share in more great love in a healthy, conscious relationship as this wonderful existence in my body continues. “It is not what I have become, it is how I became.” (JEV) Namaste