Four Years

Yes it’s now four years which is one thousand, four hundred and sixty long days.

This is how long since you went away.

Completely unexpected, a horrible curse

Abandoned in darkness with nowhere to turn.

I suffered aloud, no silence was to be known

Barely avoiding my knife blade with guidance not yet shown.

I wore my new nightmare as a shroud on my soul

Not seeing the lightness that would blossom and unfold.

Yes it’s now four years which is one thousand, four hundred and sixty long days.

This is how long since you went away.

A blessing in disguise, a chance to make change

We agreed to the rules that this lifetime would play.

Come together, know great love, and then you would go away

And go away you did from your body and this earth.

Supporting me spiritually through my most terrible dirge.

Guiding me steadily as I learned to walk again

Giving me light and love, directing me to my new best friend.

Thank you for loving me from your body and beyond

My lessons in self love helped me create my new family bond.

I am blessed with new love, I am equanimity incarnate

I flow honestly and true, living peaceful and content.

My house was swept clean, the despair washed away

Thank you sweet Jillie I love you still every day.

I am grateful for our time and pleased with my path

Knowing you are peace, love, friendship, and joy are my greatest lessons at last.

 

Thank you my love for always having my back and loving my heart

namaste and I love you always ~Ian

Another birthday without your body

you exist unencumbered, so free

Your eternal presence is sunshine on my face

creating peace and glee

Thank you for your loving kindness that we spent hand in hand

I’m grateful for the guiding support now to make me who I am

It’s your fifty first today and I am okay, thank you my love and my friend.

 

 

A karmic helicopter whirs in my head

Engaging my senses

Luring me back to bed

 

My heart is awakened, my spirit on fire

For what I don’t know

But it feels like desire

 

I want to see clearly the belly of light

Not going with worry

But coming from delight

 

I know that’s my path, I am not in charge

Like a bumble bee’s whir

So close when so far

 

I wait for the moment to settle and to pass

If it’s full or if it’s empty

It’s still my own glass.

 

Namaste

 

It’s three years today since you went away, leaving me here on my own nearly insane as I felt horror, torture, and pain, on the abyss of absolute alone

But you stated post mortem that my life would be a complete one eighty from that day, but I thought it was a lie, taking me two years to heal, not knowing how I would ever find my way

My soul lifted the load as you had previously told and my heart now feels peace, love, and joy

I love you each day but the missing has gone away, replaced with beautiful memories and thoughts

From your ashes and my ruins I am (en)lightened and free to feel with loving kindness, compassion, and glee

Thank you for continual guidance from above, my treasure, my gift, my love

I welcome each new day breathing free

This photo was taken five days before Jillie left her body. It was our last meal together. She left April 23, 2011 at 2:55AM and she is peaceful and joyous and content.

Fifty years ago today you were born into this world

A luminescent spirit taking form as a girl

You blossomed and grew and became the woman I knew.

An angelic goddess in body whose radiant smile melted my heart in two

Rumi wrote “Only from the heart can you touch the sky”

And it was with my heart in yours that we said goodbye.

You are now borne unto wings and present in love

Happy birthday Jillie

Feeling your kisses from above

 

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

Who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

I went through your clothes today

The ones you left behind

Consciously healing my achy heart

And wary of my mind

The love we shared was real and live

And emotions were as well

Carrying bags of weighty samsara

A delusional living hell

I have not stopped loving you

For that I know can not be

I have licked my wounds and nursed my spirit

And with mending heart I’m me

Thank you for participating

And being in my life

An agreement we made before we’re born

Not judging wrong or right

You are a blessing and gift

One I would never refuse

Nourishing my ethereal evolution

A blanketed lesson is my cocoon

nama

I Remember

I remember your essence, your smell, your touch

The way you reacted to my hand on your shoulder

My lips on your neck.

I remember your laugh, your wisdom, your compassion

Watching you calm the storms

Of windy minds from near and afar.

I remember your smile, your breasts, the arch of your back

Intertwined as roses; looking in your eyes

And seeing the heavens reflect back at me.

I remember your desires, your fears, your love

Oh your love was so pure that I could not appreciate its full depth

To be with you is a memory but to feel your love is to be present with you

I inhale a breath

Slowing my pace

My body is talking

This week was a race

Running from remembering

Not battling my heart

Energies had quickened

It is what it is, from the start

This is my karma

Pre-written before birth

I am blessed for my knowing

Not crying a dirge

Sharing my vulnerability

Willing to be seen

But who are they really seeing

If I’m running, am I still me

The answer is simple

As every moment of the day

Be non judging present right now

That’s my guiding pace, namaste

If each star we see is magic,

then loves eyes be our mirror to all that shines within.

And if love is only child’s play,

then may our hand and feet grow forever small

to walk the world in innocent wonder ~JEV

 

 

Jill Elizabeth Vercelli 01/15/1964-04/23/2011