It’s interesting. That is the word I always seem to use that best describes my life now, my being. I do not know how many days it’s been since Jill left as I stopped counting many weeks ago. It didn’t really seem to matter any more, one day, thirty, two hundred… Every day is a new day and this is the blessing that I acknowledge. The new day brings more love to me as I am more able to tap into that source from which Jill and I share and also shared when we were both physically here. It is this love that gets me through the days, knowing full well that her physical departure was an agreement that Jill and I made before entering our bodies this time around. This pact is a weighty one because of the pain the had to occur for us both. It must be in some great part an agreement to awaken my full being and for her continued path of existing to which I am not privy the details. I believe that had she not left her body that I would still be on my life’s treadmill and might have physically died before her because of the intensity of it. This physicality we have is only a way point in our existing.
Some moments are better than others but no day is terrible anymore. I accept that she is gone from her body and I also know that I will have relationship and joy again to which I will be guided. With that acceptance I also fully engage the sorrow, and sadness, and loneliness that invade my being from time to time. I do have peace and laughter as well.
Being alone again, not in a relationship, is quite the extreme from what I have known for over 13 years. Our home included Jill, Bingo, and me. Notice that I put Bingo before me. He was our baby (a 110lbs. Great Dane/boxer mix) for the entire time Jill and I knew each other and he left his body four months before she did. It’s been one hell of a year. The house is the same, our bed, the décor… but the palpable shift in energy and lack of physicality is at times horrible but mostly different.
With all this new experience my being is easier to be. The rules have changed. There are no more rules. No obligation, no guilt, no regrets, no fears, no worries, no expectations, and no judgment. A change from the previous Ian that once inhabited this body. I am not saying that I was all of the aforementioned but I certainly did entertain a tighter tone sometimes even whilst living with Jill; the essence of love and compassion. What’s interesting about this new being is that I can not undo it, I like it, and I am free. My spirit has been unchained from its karmic shackles and has taken flight again, remembering what it’s like to see my way vividly through the dark and completely engage in everything “good” and “bad”.
It’s all interesting and when I am able to question I know that I am on my path. Am I really doing this? How am I able to be so peaceful? Is this walking the walk or just talking it? My friend Charlie laughs every time I pose this query because he says that it is genuine and rife with love and grace and that only a crazy person doesn’t question if he/she is crazy. I welcome all the experiences that come with this new being and indulge in awareness that radiates love like the brilliant gem that warms my body when I am in a cloudless day.