So I have been thinking about reaction and response to do with surfing life’s waves.

I know that in the beginning when Jillie left her body I was only reactions. An involuntary, uncontrollable, everlasting sobstopper (a play on Willie Wonka). As months progress (actually 187 days ago today) since she changed I find that even though I still react to the triggers, I also respond differently. Okay so here’s what I mean. I believe a reaction is instant and without thought or breath and response is an action (or lack of) to something with a pause inserted between the trigger and the (re)action.

For example, the connectivity of nature and how a mouse made me sob. Its winter so the mice have moved back in. Those mf’s (mouse families for all you dirty mouths (Orbit Gum for that clean fresh smile ;0)) have been waking me up at all hours doing their scratch and dent routine inside the walls which means that I (who does not sleep well anyway because I got called back to the hospital at 12:00 midnight and back home (really mom’s house because I could not go home) at 5:00am) have to get out of bed and bang on the wall. A ridiculous ritual we have contended with for 13+ years in this cabin. So anyway; the mouse traps I had out were not effective and tonight I decided to go into the sunroom closet and find the good traps (good is a relative term, isn’t it?). While sorting through the myriad of crap in the closet (remember when George Carlin said he spent his life collecting things and then turned around and ask how did I get all this crap!?) I came across a plastic bag with cards, photos… I found a beautiful article written in 1998 about Jill and her holistic radio program called ‘Alternatives’ produced by her company Creative Channels Broadcasting. She was introducing holism and eastern medicine into mainstream. Interviewed Dr. Bernie Siegel, Deepak Chopra, Kenny Loggins… Also in the lot is a note I wrote to Jill on one of those big yellow sticky notes with the lines across the page (07/12/09) “Jill, although our lives have become busier and more involved I love you as much as when I asked you to marry me. I’ve got your back. Ian” then to top it off I found a birthday card (01/23/2010) from Jill to me “My love, I love you. You are the best & the brightest person to ever bless my life. I truly “know” you are all that, because you are all that, and then some, to me. “me” xoxo.”

So we all know what happens next, right? Sobbing. Not forever but for a good while and when I was done sobbing it was done, for me. I felt that deep pain, acknowledged it, let it have its moment (minutes/hours/doesn’t matter) and then it was done. I did not go into a deep sadness for the remainder of tonight. In fact I am pleased that I am okay. Remember, Equanimity; when I have a good day I am okay, when I have a bad day I am okay (Pema Chodron- The Places That Scare You). So for me the difference between the reaction and response is that I reacted and when it (the feeling) was done I responded by letting it continue on its way rather than trying to hold onto it to suit my desire to stay sad. For me to be aware of when my pain is my pain and when my pain is my tape of my pain playing is a wonderful exercise in open eyes, open mind, open heart.

One other thought on react and response is one that I find useful. When someone starts a fight, pushes buttons, accuses, blames, comes across angry, or creates drama it is energetically like a fishing line being tossed my way with a hook on the end of it and that hook is the trigger between react and respond. To react is to take the bait and then its game on. To respond is to take a moment to breathe and see if I want to take the bait. By taking that moment I am able to decide if any of this shit coming my way is mine (ownership) and if so then I’ll respond to it; and if not then I choose to not engage in it by walking away, or saying that I will discuss it with you later when you are calm, or ask you to call me back when you stop yelling, or just let that person know that none of this is my crap and I won’t own it. With some practice and awareness I am becoming attuned to the subtle and not so subtle signs that instinct/intuition/body is telling me and recognizing the hook for what it is, a hook.

One last thought on react and respond is this. If an idiot is calling you a moron, consider the source. I am writing these notes because I like to share what I learn and know. What I know is not right or wrong or good or bad, it is just what I know and if it resonates then okay and if it does not then okay. Namaste

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