What Am I Missing?

Okay, so it has been an interesting Thanksgiving week and I have had my share of waves to surf. Some were enjoyable like beautiful blue waters in Bali and then there were the crashing breakers of the North Sea.

I was missing Jill as I pulled in front of our cabin today. I slowed as I always did to see her in the window at the kitchen sink beaming an effervescent white smile with blue pools of love streaming from her eyes towards me. Yet again I could not see this and my heart twitched for a moment in recollection of the love and the loss I was simultaneously feeling at that moment. I turned the key and quieted the engine and also with some deep breaths the mind noise that had just taken up primary position in my thoughts. Groceries in, fire built, vanilla candle wafting from its flame. We I don’t keep the house as neat as it was before. It could use some detailing. It hasn’t seemed as important as it did before. Tomorrow it gets a good once over. We I like things to present well, not perfectly, just well.

Rambling I know but this is what’s coming out so I just go with it. So when I got home I was sad for a bit and that’s okay for me just as much as being happy is okay for me. It’s just another feeling and there is wonder in all of it. Sometimes the sadness is terrible and then it shifts and I am okay again. I don’t like the sadness, it sucks, but I don’t necessarily fear it. I also don’t hold onto it when it is done. It continues on its journey as a tide crashing the shore and then flowing out again. Holding on to sadness is like using it as an excuse for being a certain way and it usually isn’t a good, joyful, or nice way of being. I’m not judging, just aware. So anyway I was sad, was walking into the bathroom to shower and was compelled, and I do mean compelled, to find the theme song to The Greatest American Hero right now, listen to it and hear the words. This is not a song, let alone TV show, that I have thought about in ages.

Look at what’s happened to me-,

I can’t believe it myself.

Suddenly I’m up on top of the world,

It should’ve been somebody else.

Believe it or not,

I’m walking on air.

I never thought I could feel so free-.

Flying away on a wing and a prayer.

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it’s just me.

Just like the light of a new day-,

It hit me from out of the blue.

Breaking me out of the spell I was in,

Making all of my wishes come true.

Believe it or not,

I’m walking on air.

I never thought I could feel so free-.

Flying away on a wing and a prayer.

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it’s just me.

This is too good to be true.

Okay I get it, thanks for the reminder and support Jill. The music and words roused a smile in me and shifted my mood. I know that Jill is totally okay, better than okay, and existing as always. It’s not that she died as much as she shifted being and left her body behind. It’s part the cycle of life and nature and we are all one in that cycle. What I know is that I am experiencing the dying of a way of being as I too shift. This is not to say that I do not mourn the loss of the human Jill and our coexistence corpus to corpus. What I am saying is that I strongly feel our love which is really a universal feeling that we tapped into together rather than something that we created between us. I am grateful that I was able to share in it with her and also grateful that I will share in it again. As much as I know that she is okay I also know that I am okay and this is yet another chapter of my journey as being a human being for however long it lasts.

As my loving friend Charlie Morris said to me when I told them to stop trying to revive her body “Jill is now in a place of love and joy and peace. Why don’t you try to match her at that frequency while you still have a body?” Thank you Charlie for those words, they resonated. I will engage in all of it with eager eyes as a child explorer does and venture forward with the knowledge (not belief or faith) that all is as it is. Namaste

PS: Too funny, I was going online to facebook to post this and hit a link to Buddhist quotes and found this.

“I do not perceive even one thing, O monks, that when undeveloped and uncultivated entails such great suffering as the mind. The mind, when undeveloped and uncultivated, entails great suffering.” ~The Buddha (from “In the Buddha’s Words” translated by Bhikkhu Bodhi)

PPS: Charlie’s blog is www.MeetingWithCharlie.com

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